Friday the 13th

Happy Friday the 13^th my freaky followers.

This is but the first of the three unlucky Fridays 2012 has in store for us and what better way to spend it than in celebration of all things macabre? I considered a few options for my personal observation of the holiday and found myself pent up by the delayed arrival of winter. What better way to spend a secluded evening than to watch and review all 12 Friday the 13^th movies one by one?

Just kidding. I'll be doing all six Leprechaun films.

In actuality, I let the midnight hour lead me where it may and found myself partaking in a zombie marathon. Starting with the French film The Horde, I then went back to the roots with Romero's original Night of the Living Dead, and ended on a pleasant note with Dead Alive. These movies set me to thinking about the supposed “zombie apocalypse” that has become so fashionable to be prepared for. I'm here to let you all know: there is no way to be prepared.

The Learning Curve

I don't care how many times you've read the Zombie Survival Guide or how many movies you've seen, you cannot preordain your plan of action during the zombie shamble-down. Like vampires, zombies come in many varieties. Are they loping? Can they use tools? Are they rage zombies? And that is only the tip of the glacier, my friends. Through trial and error, you and your party will have to learn the raw facts about these creatures. The Horde touched on this vaguely when a member of the core group is bitten in the leg. The characters stumble upon a delightfully mad tenant of the building in which they're trapped who has a simple solution: “Gotta lose that leg.” Now you might say to yourself, “But Psychette! Everyone knows that once bitten there is no return and you must pop your best friend once in the face before they turn, and then twice after they come back undead!”

Stop it.

By this point, you've already killed your own circle in a Mexican standoff over what zombie lore you're living out.

I doubt 60WPM will save you this time.

The fact of the matter is that no amount of supposed “mental preparation” will hand you the coding required to kill one of your loved ones on a hunch that they might try to eat you in the coming hour. Which brings me to my next qualm-

Gun Usage

According to a Gallup poll in 2005, estimates have been made that in America in 2010, nearly 50% of households contain a gun, roughly 30% of adults own a gun, and about 18% of adults own a handgun (So says here). I declare fuzzy math on this one. Also, take into account the fact that these guns are concentrated in certain areas of the country and spread sparsely in others, and you've got a lot of people who have never touched a gun before. While watching certain movies, I'm amazed at the glee of the everyday pleated khaki wearing man as he finds an Uzi of some sort to use against an onslaught of undead. While I'm sure given time and training and Google (of course the internet will still work during the apocalypse, right?)-

No bars...

-he would eventually learn the ins and outs of his weaponry, I highly doubt he can lift it without it going off in his face. Or not going off at all in the face of a zombie. Let's face it, the south will win this round. And so will-

The Trigger Happy Zombie Enthusiast Who Has Been Living for This

Let's face it, part of the appeal of a Zombie outbreak is that we will have an excuse to kill people without penalty. Our generation kills millions digitally on Call of Duty, Halo, etc. We love faking it. Now give half of these smack-talking douchebags a reason to go human hunting and it's Game Over.

Zombie films often allude to the bandwagon idealogy in regards to the re-animated, then parallels that with the de-humanization of those still living. There's a reason this works so well in storytelling. People are reduced to raw animal instinct when pushed against the wall; if survival is the ultimate goal, the distinction between living and undead in a mass becomes less important than clearing an area of all threats. Throw teenagers, PTSD victims, and numerous self-proclaimed “Survivalist”s together and what do you get? Screwed.

Poor puppy.

Lovelies, I just want you to be careful out there. Thinking that you're prepared for the worst is never an actual way to be prepared. Remember the SATs? Enjoy your first Friday the 13^th of the year. In fact, if it's warm enough, you should go to the lake.

XOXOXXX,

AP

No, seriously, it's more likely that I will inevitably do a tribute to Leprechaun.