My sweet sweet horror hounds,
I am risen from the sands of this horrid horror drought a parched zombie but I may have just enough life in me yet to deliver a review for your pleasure. My relationship with the genre has been weakening over time and I've been longing for something to revive the flame, whether in wisps of smoke or brilliant blue. In trying to relate the validity of the horror film in pop culture, I'm often faced with pejorative smirks, groans, or passive nods. In the past few weeks, the buzz surrounding Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods caught me off guard. The general public seemed genuinely interested in an original upcoming horror release. I wasn't alone! So of course I was immediately suspicious. After a viewing on the second Friday the 13th of 2012, I want to let you know why you should be too.
WARNING: This Review contains Spoilers... Mainly because the movie is being promoted as one giant spoiler alert.
We have a film directed by Drew Goddard (writer of Cloverfield), co written by Goddard and Joss whedon (who did some TV shows you've probably never heard of or stumbled across in your life), inspired by Evil Dead, soundtrack courtesy of The Descent, cinematography snagged from- wait I'm getting ahead of myself.
If you haven't already, I suggest you watch the trailer here. Aha! So things will not be as they seem! Wait a minute Joss, you're just going to softball it in like that?
The facts: Five kids are going to a cabin in the woods. People in a laboratory are watching and calling the shots. From the first ten minutes of Cabin in the Woods we're spoon fed what we can only assume from the trailer is the whole twist. For anyone with an IQ above shag carpet, it's obvious we've been duped. The archetypes of our vacationing college co-eds are as such: the blonde Jules (Anna Hutchison), the jock Curt (Chris Hemsworth AKA Thor), the brainy yet handsome guy Holden (Jesse Williams), the sweet virgin/final girl Dana (Kristen Connolly, and the stoner Marty (Fran Kranz). Except the Jules is only a recent box blonde, Curt is genuinely sweet on his girl, Holden is a little TOO smart, Dana isn't really a virgin, and Marty is the only one with a grip on reality. Breaking conventions becomes a plot point too early on for it to simply be a satisfying derailing from the genre's stereotypes. Back at the lab, we have Hadley (Bradley Whitford), and Sitterson (Oscar nominee Richard Jenkins) who take treat their job of mass murder like any other 9 to 5 cubicle grind. It's almost like they're playing with the audience as well!
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| That's so meta. |
The stakes never seem that high to either party, even when we discover the purpose of the lab. Oh who am I kidding, they're trying to resurrect some “Ancient One” with the blood of archetypes. And even that plot device is spread so thinly you could get a paper cut from it. The loose ends pile on from there.
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| Ex. Why isn't he more into her? |
According to one of the latest posters, Cabin in the Woods has been reviewed as “Witty, scary and incredibly inventive.”, “The smartest, funniest horror since Scream.”, “Totally original.”, and “A truly hilarious take on a well known genre.” I would agree if the movie didn't feel so heavy handed. And if Joss Whedon hadn't been quoted describing the film as “basically a very loving hate letter [to horror].” In my book, that turns Whedon from a man with a well deserved fanboy base, into the most powerful film troll alive. Suddenly, my lukewarm feelings toward Cabin make sense!
While an entirely engrossing film, I couldn't help but leave feeling like I was the butt of a joke that I just spent nearly two hours laughing along with. After some deliberating, I don't think that Cabin in the Woods should be considered a horror film so much as a “Dummies Guide”.
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| I am, however, terrified of dummies. |
The first notable film reference I caught was in the title shot. As Sitterson and Hadley ride away guffawing in a golf cart, the title blares itself across the entire screen and freezes the unnatural joy. Name that movie! I can only imagine that those who have never seen Michael Haneke's shaming of voyeurism, Funny Games, experienced a laugh instead of the fear of being victimized from outside in. To make matters worse, Cabin in the Woods fed this fear by delivering scares when I expected them, laughs when I expected padding, and ridiculousness when I wasn't prepared. While we're talking references, let's also agree to slash the Scream comparisons out of the picture because while in a similar vein, Scream played by the rules and was still an effective self-realized scary movie. Cabin in the Woods is a show pony.
3 and 1/2 out of 5 Bloody Pearls
3 and 1/2 out of 5 Bloody Pearls
Final Cut:
As the story progressed, I found myself hoping that the jokes and masturbatory self awareness would subside into storytelling. I wanted the movie to grow up. I want the genre to grow up. Maybe that's what Whedon's punchline is intended to be. Even while there are diehard fans of substantial horror content, the genre will always fail because of conventions, because of the teenage mindset, because of the futile expectation that something so engrained will change.
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| Some things are perfect the way they are. |
Challenge accepted.
My pets, however tempting it may be to remain a fanboy, fangirl, stoner, semi-virgin, jock, brain, whatever: You can call the shots, stabs, and severings if you try hard enough. Cabin in the Woods isn't so much a breath of fresh air as it is a glove tauntingly slapping against the face of horror warriors. Let us grab up our rusty shovels, chainsaws, butcher knives and bludgeoning bongs!
Horror isn't going anywhere.
Hope to shear you soon,
AP
